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Worst Movies of ’05

05 Sep

10. MATCH POINT:
It feels as if Woody Allen isn’t even trying anymore. Scarlett Johansson is utterly wasted in this shoddily written and executed morality tale about unlikable posh Londoners and one homicidal, social climbing tennis pro. “Annie Hall” wasn’t just light years ahead of this mess, it was also shorter

9. BROTHERS GRIMM:
How could Matt Damon (Oscar winner and nominee), Heath Ledger (Oscar nominee), and the gorgeous Monica Bellucci make a movie with Terry Gilliam (The Fisher King) and it not be good? This film, which is sort of like a medieval version of Ghostbusters about some con artists who end up fighting real ghosts and demons, is a big mess. From the abrupt first scene, you can tell there is a problem and it never picks up steam. Such a shame.

8.XXX: STATE OF THE UNION :
Eyebrows were raised in Hollywood when Vin Diesel passed on this sequel to his 2002 hit in favour of the kiddie-friendly The Pacifier. Good old Vin turned out to be not nearly as clueless as he sometimes appears. Of all the sequel duds this one, starring Ice Cube, ranks at the top.

7. ALONE IN THE DARK
I feel bad listing Uwe Boll’s latest video game adaptation this year. It’s like putting The Kids of Whidney High on a worst albums list. Isn’t part of the point that it’s terrible? Even still, Boll has proven that not only has he not learned even the basics of filmmaking, he has no clue what casting is about either. Tara Reid as a scientist? Alone in the Dark is filled with moments that, if I thought they were done purposefully, would make it a surrealist classic. Just the fact that the opening scene has Christian Slater sacrifice an innocent cabbie before doing Matrix-style kung fu (for the only time in the whole movie!) would make Bunuel green with envy.

6. KICKING & SCREAMING.
Welcome back to the list, Will Ferrell. Remember when you could do no wrong? Kicking and Screaming is notable for being almost completely devoid of jokes – it seems like someone came in and just excised the humor from the screenplay. The film just costs on Ferrell’s persona, which isn’t enough to keep you interested in watching this pansy rehash of Bad News Bears. Kicking and Screaming is truly an endurance test of a movie.

5. FANTASTIC FOUR
Enough already. Comic books don’t make great movies unless they employ top notch writers and stylish directors. Fantastic Four looks as if it was made computers using left over software from previous comic book flicks.

4. HOUSE OF WAX
Do we really need a reason?

3. THE FOG
It wasn’t that great of a John Carpenter film in the first place, but this decerebrated remake managed, on every level, to stink, stank, stunk. I didn’t even feel that it warranted a proper review, so in the spirit of its unoriginality and laziness, I nicked quotes from reviews of other bad movies.

2. SON OF THE MASK
Was one of those movies that was top-loaded into the early part of the year when moviegoers are so wiped by the holidays that they’ll go see anything. They are usually more forgiving, but there was no forgiving Son.

1. DUECE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO
Why anyone would pay to watch Rob Schneider do anything on-screen (other than commit seppuku) is beyond me. This movie was pointless, vile and criminally unfunny. Add it to the “Sequels We Never Asked For” list. [See also: Son Of The Mask, or better yet…don’t.]

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Posted by on September 5, 2006 in Worst of 2005

 

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